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A Suffolk Lane

~ A diary of my life in rural north Suffolk.

A Suffolk Lane

Tag Archives: family

Endings and Changes

04 Fri Sep 2015

Posted by Clare Pooley in Days out, family, Insects, music, plants, Rural Diary, wild birds

≈ 55 Comments

Tags

family, family life, friends, insects, seashore, wild flowers

This is another diary post.  Before I write anymore accounts of days out and holidays I really ought to tell you about a few things that have been happening lately.

Self-seeded Viola
Self-seeded Viola
Self-seeded Viola
Self-seeded Viola

The saddest event of all is that my mother-in-law died on Thursday 13th August.  She had been in very poor health for some time and had had to move into a nursing home a few months ago.  This made her unhappy but she knew that she was incapable of living on her own any more and was doing her best to come to terms with the changes this entailed.  My brother-in-law had visited her during the afternoon of the day she died and hadn’t been home long when he got a call from the nursing home telling him she had collapsed and the ambulance had been called for.  He telephoned us and said he had been told that there wasn’t much hope that she would survive and we were to prepare for the worst.  He phoned us again a few minutes later to say she had died.

IMG_2433Marsh Mallow (640x427)

Marsh Mallow (Althaea officinalis)

The strange thing was that we were only an hour or so away from Manchester (where my husband’s family live) when Chris phoned us.  Thursday 13th August was the day we travelled to the Peak District with our caravan to spend a week there on holiday and with the hope of visiting Mum-in-law.  We had set up the caravan where we usually stay in Leek, Staffordshire and put up the awning on the side of the van already.  We had then driven to Sheffield (about an hour’s journey) to take Elinor to stay with Alice for the week.  Alice had given us a cup of tea and we had left the girls there together and were driving back to Leek.  We had almost got to Buxton when Chris’s call came through.

IMG_2439Allium with bees (640x427)

Alpine Allium with bees

We went to Manchester the next morning.  The rain, which had started when we got to Sheffield the night before, was still coming down so the roads were very wet and some were flooded.  We went to Chris’s house and spent some time talking to him and his partner Annie and then went out to have some lunch together in a pub.  During the afternoon we went to Joyce’s (Mum-in-law’s) nursing home and sorted out all her belongings, taking some away with us but donating all of her clothes and a lot of her equipment and wheel-chair to the nursing home.  They were pleased to accept all we could give them as there are many old people in homes who have no relations to get them clothes and other necessaries.

IMG_2450Peacock on mint (640x427)

Peacock butterfly (Inachis io) on Water Mint flowers (Mentha aquatica)

The Coroner couldn’t establish a cause of death despite a post mortem and there have been a number of tests done and an inquest has been held.  All extremely painful for my husband and his brother.  Eventually the date for the funeral was set and it duly took place yesterday 2nd September.  There was a large turn-out of family and friends and all went smoothly and we hope Joyce would have approved.  Richard had the difficult task of writing the eulogy which he delivered with dignity.  The wake was in the upper rooms of a nearby pub and that was a success too.

IMG_5588Female Gatekeeper (640x480)

Female Gatekeeper butterfly (Pyronia tithonus) on Marjoram (Origanum majorana)

Our holiday was a weird one to say the least!  Richard’s 62nd birthday was on Sunday 16th August so we went to a church in Leek and said more prayers for Joyce and then went to a café for brunch.  There wasn’t much else we could do.  We met Alice and Elinor in Bakewell on Tuesday 18th August and told them the sad news.

This was one of Joyce’s favourite pieces of music.

A lot of our time has been spent (as usual) in keeping appointments with doctors, with physiotherapists and at hospital.  Not a week goes by, it seems, without one or other of us having to go to see some specialist or another!  Elinor went to her yearly appointment with the physiotherapist and was told she needed to do more calf-stretching exercises.  I’m not sure that she has done anything about it yet!  Richard went to the hospital for yet another MRI brain scan but won’t hear the results until he sees the specialist in a few weeks.  He also went to the eye clinic and all seems okay.  I took my Mum to her eye clinic again last week and she had to return there on Tuesday for another eye injection.  I went to the Rheumatology clinic for a check-up and it seems I am in a medically-induced remission.  My blood tests show excellent results and I have lost all the fluid on my finger joints.  The nurse suggested I give up one of my drugs for a month to see if it made any difference to the problem I have in my throat.  It hasn’t made any difference at all, so I’m back on the drug and my GP at my local surgery has asked the Ear, Nose and Throat clinic to give me an appointment so they can investigate further.

IMG_2410Swallows and Martins on cable (2) (640x427)

Swallows (Hirundo rustica) and House Martins (Delichon urbica) on electric power cable

Alice works part-time in the University library in Sheffield and some months ago went to a number of internal job interviews.  She desperately needs a full-time job, preferably one in which she can use her librarianship skills instead of filling shelves and moving crates of books about as she is doing at the moment.  She was disappointed to hear that though she had been offered a job one grade higher than the one she was doing, it was still a part-time job and as the hours were fewer she would be earning less money.  After a lot of thought she decided to accept the job and after some discussion with her supervisor she has been given a few more hours and is earning slightly more money than in her last position.  She moved house at the weekend and she is now sharing with a few other people (one of them a friend of hers) and will be paying less rent.  This will be a Good Thing!  She has finished the corrections and amendments to her PhD and has handed it back in to have it read through again.  When that’s done she will have to get it printed – not just one copy but several – which will be yet another expense for her.  We will then hear when she will receive her Doctorate which we all hope to attend if possible.  She had her 30th birthday on the 24th July and her friends got together and arranged a Haunted Sheffield Tour for her to go on which she found great fun.

IMG_2415Southern Hawker (640x427)

Southern Hawker dragonfly (Aeshna cyanea)

IMG_2421Southern Hawker (640x427)

Southern Hawker dragonfly

Elinor wasn’t able to go into college to collect her GCSE results as we were still away in the Peak District so she got the results in the post.  She didn’t do as well as she had hoped but she passed three out of the four exams she took.  She got a D in Maths so she will have to re-take that exam next year.  She got an A in Psychology but only Cs in English and Art.  We are pleased that she managed to do as well as this because she missed two whole years of school and at one stage we didn’t think she’d ever be able to get any qualifications at all.  The college have found that the grades the students got this year were generally much lower than expected.  I don’t know if this is the fault of the college or if the marking was stricter than usual.   She went into college last Wednesday for her enrolment and was disappointed to find she can’t take the Graphic Art course she wanted to do because of her failed Maths exam.  She will do a years Art and Design course and re-take her Maths and then she will decide what she does next.  The Graphic Design tutors say that they will assess her work after six weeks this term with a view to moving her onto the Graphic Design course if she is doing very well.

IMG_2425Young Moorhen (640x427)

Young Moorhen (Gallinula chloropus)

Richard has now retired.  His final week at work was last week and he had a good send-off from his colleagues.  He will be giving back his fleet car tomorrow and has ordered a new car of his own which will be delivered in just over a week’s time.  He hasn’t had time to appreciate the fact of his retirement yet.  He still has a number of things to sort out with his brother with regard to his mother.  Once that has been done he will relax a little and then begin to feel retired.

I spent a lovely day in Norwich with my dear friend Wendy.  We met at school 45 years ago!  Her husband was working in this area for a few days so she joined him and took the opportunity to visit former neighbours of theirs and to see me.  Fortunately the weather was fine and we were able to find somewhere to sit outside and have coffee and a long chat.

007Restaurant (640x480)

A photo of the Assembly Rooms where we sat outside and had coffee. This photo was taken last December – the garden was much brighter and greener when we were there a few weeks ago!

We then went to have a look at the Roman Catholic Cathedral which is an enormous building and has many fine features.  I’ll probably make a post about it sometime soon.  We walked from there to the Plantation Garden.  We had a lovely lunch together and I then walked back with her to her hotel.  In thinking about this special day I am amazed to realise that I cannot remember the last time I spent a day out with her or in fact with any friend.  I very, very occasionally meet someone for coffee or lunch or I visit Wendy’s house in company with my family but a whole day away from home with a friend enjoying myself…. no, I can’t recall anything since I was in my early twenties!

IMG_2442Gipsywort and sedge (2) (508x640)

Gipsywort (Lycopus europaeus)

I always look forward to having my piano tuned each year.  Kimble Reynolds is a very skillful man who not only tunes pianos but can also build, restore and repair them.  He has a piano gallery in Blundeston in Suffolk and has recently invented a way of teaching people how to read music which doesn’t entail having to learn the names of the notes.  His invention is called Noterettes.  He is a lovely man and I enjoy talking to him and we spend most of his visit laughing together.

IMG_2440Fly on Marjoram (2) (640x462)

Fly ( possibly Tachina fera) on Marjoram

IMG_2444Yarrow and bug or beetle (640x427)

Yarrow (Achillea millefolium) with unknown bug

IMG_2445Ragwort with Hoverfly Sphaerophoria scripta (640x427)

Common Ragwort (Senecio jacobaea) with Hoverfly (Sphaerophoria scripta) and another unknown insect

IMG_2446Ragwort with hoverfly Helophilus (2) (640x483)

Common Ragwort with Hoverfly (Helophilus pendulus) also known as the Footballer Hoverfly because of the striped thorax which looks like a football jersey

IMG_2428Hoverfly (640x427)

I cannot identify this Hoverfly

With all the upheaval of Joyce’s death and Richard’s retirement, we haven’t had time for much gardening or walking locally.  We managed to visit Dunwich beach for an hour on Saturday.  We bought some chips from the fish and chip restaurant in the beach car-park and then walked on the beach.  The weather was quite over-cast and there was a very strong wind blowing but it was good to be away from the house for a while.

IMG_5591Snails in Sea Kale leaf (640x480)

Sea Kale leaf (Crambe maritima) with sheltering snails

IMG_5592Sea Kale gone to seed (640x474)

Sea Kale with seed heads

IMG_5593Dunwich beach (640x480)

Dunwich beach

IMG_5594Dunwich beach (640x480)

Dunwich beach

IMG_5595Yellow Horned-poppy (480x640)

Yellow Horned-poppy (Glaucium flavum)

IMG_5596Yellow Horned-poppy (640x480)

Yellow Horned-poppy

IMG_5600Evening Primrose plants (480x640)

Common Evening Primroses (Oenothera biennis)  Introduced and naturalised, these plants like to live on waste ground on poor soil; they only open on dull days or in the evening.  I see them on railway sidings quite often.  These particular plants have spread along the base of the crumbling cliff.

IMG_5603Common Mallow (640x480)

Common Mallow (Malva sylvestris) This plant was on the path from the car-park to the beach but at this time of year Mallows are seen everywhere in East Anglia. The round fruits that you can see just right of centre are called ‘cheeses’ and contain many nutlets.

IMG_5604Sunset (640x480)

Out of focus photograph of the sunset that evening during a rain shower.

Thanks for visiting!

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Eighteen

25 Sun Jan 2015

Posted by Clare Pooley in family, Rural Diary, Uncategorized

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

anxiety, daughter, education, eighteenth birthday, family, love, parent

029Me and E in kitchen (557x640)

Elinor had her eighteenth birthday on Wednesday.  She celebrated by going to college, attending her Psychology class and then going into the city with her friends.  They went to McDonald’s and had something to eat.  Elinor would have preferred to have gone somewhere else as she doesn’t like McDonald’s’ food but her friends all do, so she went where they wished to go.  She bought some fries and offered to get her friends’ food for them but they declined her offer and bought her an enormous badge with ’18’ on it and insisted that she wear it.  They gave her their gifts and then they all went to their favourite bookshop and browsed.  They also visited a department store and the boys found the toy department and fooled around with the toy swords and guns.  I collected her from college at 2.00 pm and we went home.  She opened her presents from us and had a few cards from relatives in the post.  My mother had baked her a chocolate cake.  My brother came to stay for the night as he had a meeting to go to in the area early next morning.  We all ate cottage pie for our evening meal as it is Elinor’s favourite.  She was so tired she fell asleep during the evening.

112Elinor on path (640x427)

This may sound a rather tame way to celebrate an eighteenth birthday but for the past few years her birthday has been spent at home with just her parents and her sister for company.  Until she started at college last September, she had had no contact with people of her own age for a long time because of her chronic anxiety.  She was a very lonely and depressed young woman.

038R and E in bluebell wood (640x480)

Her first term at college was a very difficult one; as you know if you have been reading this blog.  However, by Christmas she had fought very hard to over-come her fears and had attended every day for six weeks and had caught up with most of her work.  This term has been very successful so far.  Apart from a couple of days absence because of a bad cold she has been into college every day and has started to attend her Maths classes again.  She has taken a test in Psychology and got 85% and completed a paper in Maths and got 79%.  Her English is good and continues to improve and she is working very hard at her Art.  Her Art teacher is very impressed indeed and believes she has a good chance of doing very well in her exams.  She hopes to go on to do a Graphic Art course at the college.  She is beginning to get some self-confidence and is enjoying quite a lot of her college work.  She likes the feeling she gets when she does well in class.  She is also learning how to control her anxiety and is starting to ask for help at college when she feels anxious.

054E at Billingford windmill (640x457)

Richard and I are feeling more relaxed about her than we have in years.

042C & E at Lucca (493x640)

It is hard for parents to realise that their own (probably selfish) hopes for their children may not be realistic hopes.  We know that Elinor is very intelligent and capable and we dreamt of her taking many exams, doing well and going off to university like her sister, her cousins, her old school friends.  If she hadn’t become so anxious she could have done these things.  We have had to put up with comments from other parents who accuse us of spoiling our daughter – giving in to her and letting her stay at home.  These other parents implied that had Elinor been theirs she wouldn’t have got away with it.  She would have been forced to go to school.  I have no idea whether their method would have worked.  We did try at first to ‘make her’ go to school but when your child is so terrified she vomits at the thought of school, and panics and then starts to shut themselves away from all contact with others, it becomes impossible to continue.  We have seen so many therapists and they have all said that the worst we could do is to try to force her to do anything.  We were left feeling helpless, impotent and guilty.  We were avoided by almost all the people we used to know through the school.  We fought and fought to get her the best help and to find some way for her to continue with her education.  Once she left school eighteen months ago everything became easier.  Elinor started to relax for one thing and then she completed a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.   A year ago we were contacted by the Education Department who asked if we would like some help.  YES!

018Elinor (640x427)

 

The key to being a happy parent is to rejoice in the wonder of being a parent.  This child that you have created is a unique and wonderful creature, loved by God.  It doesn’t matter whether they pass exams or not, are intelligent or not, are healthy or not – except you would rather they were healthy for their sakes.  You love them.  A parent has a duty to make sure that their child grows up knowing they are loved for who and what they are and not for what they can do.  There are always opportunities these days to take exams, get qualifications, go to college at any time and at any age.  We do not have to fit in with everyone else.  Of course, a parent must teach their children the difference between right and wrong, respect for others and that life isn’t easy most of the time.  But – the important thing is to help your child to grow and blossom and become the person they were intended to be and what they want to be.  This isn’t spoiling them, this is the opposite of spoiling.

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An Update

06 Thu Nov 2014

Posted by Clare Pooley in cooking, Gardening, plants, Rural Diary, Uncategorized

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

anxiety, crop spraying, family, fero cactus, germination of crop, hospital, illness, pyracantha pruning, soup and smoothie maker, sugar beet harvest, unhappiness

020Fero cactus (640x427)

Our ‘Fish-hook’ Fero cactus developed flower buds for the first time ever. It was so late in the season that the flowers never opened but we were pleased nevertheless.

I thought I would tell you a little of what has been going on with us.

001Smoothie and soup maker (640x480)

This smoothie and soup maker is a new acquisition of my husband’s. He has been enjoying experimenting with different ingredients and then sampling the results.

My husband has an appointment with his specialist next Friday when we hope he will find out a little more about his condition.  (He has a tumour on his pituitary gland which is probably benign).

‘The pituitary gland is a small ductless gland at the base of the brain which secretes hormones essential for growth and other bodily functions.’  The Concise Oxford Dictionary

He had a blood test yesterday in preparation for this appointment.  My sister (who knows about these things as she works in the medical profession) tells us that to remove the tumour the surgeon will go up R’s nose as the gland is just behind where the eyebrows meet.  It is often done during day surgery with no need to stay in hospital.

005Pyracantha at side of house (640x480)

I haven’t had much time for gardening lately but this pyracantha at the side of the house had grown so much since its last trim in May that I had to find the time to deal with it.

010Pyracantha (640x427)

This is the result of two days of work with loppers and a step-ladder. I will have to get rid of the honeysuckle growing through the right-hand plant as it is pulling the whole thing away from the wall and I am frightened that high winds or heavy snow will cause the plant to lean too far forward and break.

Alice is still applying for jobs but with no luck so far.  She has a part-time job at the university library filling shelves which doesn’t give her very much money and she is finding it very boring.  She thinks she will finish writing her PhD in a couple of weeks time which will be wonderful as she has been at it for nearly four years.  She may be able to spend more time looking for work when she doesn’t have to write so much.  The drama group she belongs to has just performed ‘Antigone’ by Sophocles and Alice was in charge of the curtains and also performed other stage managerial duties.  I didn’t go to see the play as I have too many calls on my time at home at the present.  The next play is an adaptation of ‘Emma’ by Jane Austen and Alice has been cast as Emma.  I would love to be able to go to see her in that but it may not be possible.

001Sugar beet (640x480)

Most of the sugar beet has been harvested from the fields near us. This is very early in the season as usually, it is done during the wet and cold of late autumn and early winter and the lanes are then a sea of mud. So far we have had a fairly clean harvest.

My younger daughter E, has had a hard time adapting to college life.  The first few weeks went very well but she suddenly had a return of her anxiety which really shocked her as she thought that she was in control of it.  She has missed quite a few classes in all of the subjects she is taking as the panic attacks affected everything she did.  There were days when she thought that she would be able to get into college and we would drive there only to find she was unable to get out of the car.  The anxiety paralyses her and she cannot think logically.  We would drive away and try again later.  Some days we would make the journey three times.  However, the staff at the college have been absolutely marvellous and have gone out of their way to help and encourage her.  Last week was half-term and she was able to do a little catch-up work but spent most of the time feeling very depressed and frightened.  This week however, she has suddenly found her feet again and has been in every day and is doing very well.  We are praying, keeping our fingers crossed and touching wood.  We have spoken to our GP who has enabled E and me to attend a four session course which will be every Monday evening for the next month on Stress Management which may give us a few helpful tips and stratagems.  The course covers all sorts of stress, anxiety and depression so there will be some parts that will be of only partial relevance to E’s situation.  However, with all the financial cuts to mental health we are lucky to get this help so we will take advantage of it.  I am not sure when we will be able to cook and eat our evening meal as the course is between 6.00 pm and 7.30 pm and it will take about three-quarters of an hour to get there and the same to get home again.  When R is at home he says that he will be able to help out.

001Spraying (640x427)

This pre-germination spray of the field behind our house was performed on 4th October

My mother recovered slowly from her stomach upset and is now back to normal.  I took her to Norfolk and Norwich Hospital on Tuesday for her regular eye check-up and she is fine and doesn’t need another injection yet.

002Spraying (640x427)

You can see the horrible-looking green spray which smells very nasty

My mother-in-law collapsed about six weeks ago and lay on her bedroom floor for some time before she was discovered.  She has a panic alarm which she wears around her neck but for some reason she didn’t press it.  For some time she has had great difficulty in walking but after a rather strenuous visit to the hospital that day she found she couldn’t stand at all and fell down.  She was taken to hospital the following day and it was discovered she had also had a mild heart attack.  She is still in hospital as more and more problems with her health have been discovered.  My husband has visited Manchester a couple of times for a few days to see her and help my brother-in-law out.  It may be that R’s Mum won’t be able to go back home.  She is still in the critical ward in the hospital until her health can be stabilised.  She will then go into respite care for a month and will be assessed to see whether she could cope in her home or not.  If she does go home she will have to have much more help than she had before.  If it is found that she isn’t able to go home she will have to go into a nursing home and her house will have to be sold to pay for that.  This is a very worrying time for R and his brother.  Mum-in-law has her 89th birthday on Sunday.

006Germinated crop (640x427)

This is the same field on the 15th October

005Germinated crop (640x427)

The crop germinated quite quickly because of the warm and damp weather we had

At the same time as my poor mother-in-law was first in hospital my brother found that his 33-year marriage was at an end.  He is absolutely shocked and very unhappy that all the effort he put into caring for his wife and their two children (who are now grown up) and making a nice home was all to no avail.  His wife no longer wishes to be married to him as she has found someone else.  They are now having to sell their house and everything they have has to be split between them – pensions, cars, furniture – everything.  It is all proving to be too much for my brother to cope with.  He has been to stay with me a couple of times so that he can see our mother and have a little comfort too.  I have spoken to him tonight and he tells me that he has been signed off work for two weeks with depression and has been given anti-depressants by his doctor.  He is looking for another job away from where he lives where he may be able to get a cheaper house or flat to live in.  Both my sister and I have been through a divorce because our husbands no longer wanted to be with us so we know what he is going through.  I am now happily married but my sister has not been able to find anyone else.

020Pheasants on field (640x427)

This is the field on the 31st October with a few pheasants.

So you see, life has not been a bed of roses for us for a while now.  We hope that nothing else happens to add to our load of worries.

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I talk about what it's like living in a quiet part of Suffolk. I am a wife, mother and daughter, a practising Christian and love the natural world that surrounds me. I enjoy my life - most of the time!

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